Do people really change?
When I was a teenager I used to have a fixed mindset, believing that people don’t really change.
That cynicism was born out of both frustration to grow/change in my own life and being surrounded by people who didn’t ever seem like they were going to change. It’s also the kind of mindset I inherited (accidentally) from adults in my life.
However, I’ve come to believe since then that not only do people change, it’s also one of the greatest joys of life.
There’s been some fascinating work on the growth and development of adults (surprise, development doesn’t have to stop at 21, even though it often does!). See Keegan’s Theory of Adult Development and Spiral Dynamics for further reading on this.
Not only can adults continue to develop their entire lives, your brain can also change well into adulthood. Check out The Brain that Changes Itself for more on astonishing findings about neuroplasticity.
Turns out you can teach an old dog new tricks. Or, at least we do know adult humans can learn, grow, and yes change in many ways.
So, back to the question. Do people really change?
By studying Intentional Change Theory (ITC), I’ve found that the science behind this question is extraordinary.
People do resist BEING changed. But there’s an innate desire in us to change.
Change is natural.
Here’s what ITC has to teach us about sustainable, transformative change:
It starts with a vision of a new reality. There doesn’t seem to be sustained change without a personal, authentic vision of a different reality. This is what Dr. Richard Boyatzis, calls “Ought Self” vs. the Ideal Self.
The “Out Self” is the voice we hear, “You should work out more. You should read. You ought to do X, Y, or Z…” The “Ought Self” only leads to temporary compliance, but never sustained change.
Rather, real change starts with an authentic and personal and positive vision of one’s Ideal Self.
It’s not accidental. Personal sustainable change doesn’t happen without intention. If the vision of an Ideal Self doesn’t move to a plan and action, we won’t change. A vision without a plan is just a hallucination.
If you’re not growing on purpose, with a plan, you probably aren’t changing.
What’s different about us humans is that we can actively participate in our own change and growth, which is unlike animals.
We have agency.
In fact, it seems the only way we really change is by actively participating in the process.
Change requires experimentation and practicing new ways of showing up. New behaviors, ideas, thoughts, feelings, and perceptions need practice in order to integrate them into our lives.
There’s almost always a component of a resonant relationship that helps you unlock your potential. You could argue that all real and sustainable change happens in relationship. We aren’t islands.
Isn’t this refreshing news? It’s natural to grow, and we can “intentionate” that process.
If you are interested in exploring this further, we are forming a cohort to work through a program on becoming a resonant leader, with an emphasis on emotional intelligence.
Additional readings on this topic:
– Helping People Change by Richard Boyatzis, Melvin Smith, & Ellen Van Oosten
– Primal Leadership by Daniel Goleman, Richard Boyatzis, & Annie McKee
– Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman
